i just read his ... assignment. it's one particular assignment that the same lecturer we shared a year apart gave us that i felt the most uncomfortable doing, it's so intimate. it's an interview with your 13-year old self with you now and re-evaluate your current situation and changed goals and dreams. i found he wrote his purest, most honest intentions and feelings ... he really, really respects and loves his parents... he mentioned 'health condition' too many times...

i have flashes of him churning around in bed in pain, furiously chewing on his blanket, venting his frustrations and physical pain onto the many holes...

that blanket is the worst piece of fabric i've ever seen... stinky and full of holes...

i am crying inside... i don't know what to do... i cannot post depressing statuses on msn or fb... i am useless to him now.. to him, his best friends are his life-changing, encouraging, inspiring, loving, GUY friends whom he have met in the past or recently and truly enjoys spending time with them.. he mentioned a close friend is sick and near death... i really pray that friend is taken good care by god/Buddha/Guan Yin and that he finds strength to go through hard times and hard feelings...

i wish i can transfer my compassion, give physical hugs to something... / . \ "

only my brother knows i cried after his farewell at the airport... so much that i couldn't sleep....

i am not in love with him with the intention to fuck and have kids, spend a life together.. i am very touched by him, that's all... he's a saint, descended from heaven to guide me in my narrow-minded life and sheltered world, out to the vast, unpredictable reality world out there... every day i am only beginning to cherish his every word spoken to me, his every action to me, his mere presence, the memories that we created along with all the rest of this wonderful, wonderful bunch of people that brought me so much happiness... in the centre of it all, he and 44 are the ones dearest to my heart....

this few days i wake up not wanting to think further than that... i dread bringing the people together, organising some event... i won't be able to see him in the centre, joking around and making people laugh and whatnot... i've lost the one that i was looking forward to the most... not really lost forever, but right now, here in melbourne... i feel so incredibly left alone and lonely... without him...

i know it's only a matter of time before i pick myself up, go out and meet new people, make new friends, eventually meet a new guy to fall in love with ...

oh well ... i'm very grateful to have met such a person in my life... who has already awakened deep inside.. he knows exactly how life should be lived... what is the most important thing to do.. he's happy every day... he can rest peacefully knowing he has no regrets...

why am i so timid and shy, so insecure and inconfident? why am i so self-pitying and still crying over long-split milk? still lulling over such a tiny, insignificant fragment of life that no one else is bothered by? even he is very happy back in msia enjoying with his friends there... even his best girl friends are living their lives normally and nonchalantly.. im shutting myself away from the world and wallowing in my sorrows unnecesarily... im not moving on... im the one always the slowest, always walking behind being the last .. always quiet not knowing what to say, how to seize the moment, how to seize the day, how to have fun... i am so boring...

i am sure he does not want me to be this way.. he hasn't lectured me so long, given me so much encouragement and friendship love for nothing ... unless i pick myself up and live life glamorously, beam everyday with happiness, he won't be impressed with me anymore... right now i've only just confessed to him such a dumb secret and i'm being such a nuisance desperate to still be an active part of his life, liking everything he puts on fb and asking so many things, all the time on msn.. i know i should keep my distance.. i should not even bother carrying his luggage back home for him ... i should not even think about him right now...

i don't know lah... what is beneficial to me? i don't know what to do this year. i don't have a plan. i am supposed to help my parents look for a property to buy.. or is it that simple... are we looking to invest or buy to live in... to buy a land and develop and sell the house.. or live in it... to buy an apartment and rent it out or live in it... i have so much research to do in order to answer these questions...

i dont know la... awkward to bring this up with friends because of the difference in wealth ... i cant possibly help everybody...

i dont know, really, i am really only trying to stop myself from being sad... right now... this whole weekend i've been completely letting myself loose... i slept later than 5am both nights...

i just dont want to lay in bed and let the sadness overcome me and choke me up inside...

he taught me long ago, to think of other people nearby who are suffering, to think of starving, dying children in faraway countries... if you can just hear their cries echoing throughout the world... if you can just realise how different your world is, how lucky you are to be born here and enjoying all these riches... if you just awaken and know that your purpose in life right now is not to wallow in self-pity, your personal troubles are smaller than the smallest pea.. compared to the millions, billions of suffering people out there... and that's just people, other living things... animals, plants, getting killed and extinct every single second... the earth is dying under the evils committed by human beings...

if i am to do good in this life... i should not be too concerned with my own petty issues.. so many more things are far more significant than myself... i should buck up and throw myself into the community, the common good people, to do my bit and help make the world a better place...

drat 7pm already.

today a friend asked "that day sent __ back did any of you cry?" 44 immediately flatly said no and it was brushed aside as a joke.

no one noticed my sudden sharp draw of breath and moist eyes for a brief second and i stared downwards not wanting to answer.

i cried, i cried freely i cried and cried, i cried in the car once i dropped her off, i cried noisily at home, sitting on his sofa, staring at his bed, sitting forlornly on my bed, ...and controlled myself brushing teeth and preparing to sleep and knew i won't sleep crying and stopped myself by scrolling down 9gag on my phone.

and then the next day i solemnly drove to work, felt so horribly lethargic and had that disastrous driving lesson and at night it was super hard to sleep... my period was disturbing me so bad.. and my heart kept aching for him... and i kept worrying about the test the next morning... all 3 parts of myself are hurting at once... ouch... how to sleep... it was all combined... i screamed "pain!!" in my fb status .... at times my phone couldn't even connect to my wifi....

finally i slept a mere 3 or 4 hours before going for the final lesson+test... i failed, expectedly... i felt relieved and more confident about the test now tho... my only sadness now comes from the yearning of ... my dear, dear brother who just returned to our home country... how am i going to endure this whole year without you... how will i face the world from now... how will i find, SOMEONE LIKE YOU.... T.T"

but because i miss him so terribly

the thought that he's no longer by my side, laughing, joking, breathing, living in my house, nearby, goin out to eat with me, i can't see him every day... he's gone back to msia and now we can only communicate through virtual means or when we physically take the long flights overseas...

i really cried and cried.. i feel so horribly sad inside... i feel so lethargic and dead in office working long hours unable to release all that pent-up sadness... every song that reminded me of him makes me so sad...

oh i miss you so... i love you so... how i wish i had told u even more... like why had i fallen for you in the first place... it's because i had thought you LIKED me...

i didn't want you to feel guilty, so i didn't say it out...

i feel like crying now only because i miss you...

but i can't talk to you or call you or keep expressing all this affection to you, because you already made it clear you're not into me... or into women....

CRY!!~~~

it's a forcefield.... i wear my heart upon my sleeves like a big deal...

i wish i can let u know somehow,how much u really mean to me, how much i yearn to be with you... athough im really not convinced that you are able to love me at all.... i am constantly getting reminded that you've never had and will never have interest in me..... idk i think im doin a poor job of impressing ur family.... haih

im lying in bed while he's on the sofa outside sleeping. we are so close....... yet so far.

these few days im at an extreme at times.. i can be full happy mode on and thankful for every single second not bothering about food or long walking distances, then when im alone i start flooding myself with flashbacks of his silly self and the good times we had all throughout college and uni.... and i want to cry,even when i dream about it,when im in office,when im in the car,when im lying in bed like right now.....

i dont even noe wat is important anymore... to keep on pleasing him and encourage him... or let him noe my true feelings but that has no conclusion.....

i will be very ashamed to admit this to him thats for sure... now it begins to feel more and more ridiculous.... i mean,he is. .... 100% not interested in me as a girl thats for sure.... good friend yes... but a friend he doesnt need as strongly as i need him..... gosh.... im fighting a battle that is clearly losing fr the start.... i dun think its worth my tears anymore.... maybe i hav chosen to be this way myself,i brought it upon myself to fall so deeply....

first,

lengzai no. 2 in office brought me out to site visit and i had lunch with him outside. it was nice for a change.

second, i got to meet up with him and helped him move his stuff together with his funny friend.

third, we ended up walking to a korean restaurant and i caught a glimpse of The Most Handsome Korean Guy I've Ever Seen In Real Life - who is not a celebrity (because I've very fortunately seen in real life, all my favourite korean pop stars when they came to msia a few years back).

fourth, we had a fun and nice and great laughter at a hot and fuzzy and very local-familiar makan place.. had a beer like a boss.. hahaha.... and made eye contact with another lengzai korean (but the first one was better) and we had a lot of fun talking during dinner...

and he's just so smooth tonight, he's finally dressing up nicely and appearing more normal.. haha... and when he looks normal with clothes comparable to fashionable people out there, his good looks already won far ahead than most people.. and he actually looks thin.. ahhahha...

that's the vain part of me admiring him, but then there's also the heart that is touched by his sensitivity and his kindness and the yearning of memories that treasures his friendship or closeness... sigh...

i wonder how am i gonna make it to the office party since a close friend of ours will be leaving for good on that same morning... cry in the morning and go happy happy in the afternoon... so complex...

i love all my friends, but to the extent of neglecting my work... how many off days (or hours) should i take next week?

sigh... got lots of things to worry about and take action ... still havent done this and that... god...

i pray that the lengzai no. 1 in office recovers soon... so sayang he is so sporty and cheerful and suddenly plagued with very painful stiff neck...

ah... i don wanna wish for more good and happy things to happen to me... i just pray the world is ok... all those ambulances i saw today... hope whoever's injured or sick, may they get well soon... pray that my friends and family who are suffering, may they find a solution soon.... pray that my friends who are leaving, they're not so sad, but instead motivated and excited for life... i see my friends happy, i am happy already... :) :)

if u had asked me to be your gf instead of proclaiming you're gay, i would've said yes.......

if you had given up on me purely because of my lack of enthusiasm or positive response.. i am deeply sorry to have caused u endless pain and trouble the past few years... we could've been a lot further than where we are at now... all those time.... im stupidly suffering by myself... he living his life whatever way he could...

but again he should really be gay... and i'm right to treat him like a close friend or a brother... i'm already happy to have such a good friend like him... im just sad that we cant hang out as frequently as we do now, in future... cant see or hear in person.. will live very different and separate lives, in different time zones...

and i'll have to bravely pick myself up to face my world that i've locked myself in, and hope to meet new people, hope to be as happy as i am now, with him...

awwwhhhh~~~!!!! T.T"

I WANT TO JOIN THEM WAN AHHHHHHHH T_T" waaaaaaaaaaaaarggghhh

the last ever gathering already, among my closest batch of friends ... these familiar faces and voices... these jokes and camaraderie...

and the chance to sing with 44 and him as well....

haih....

i feel so sad!!!!

and my heart just wrenches with pain every time i think of him and his parents coming and how am i goin to deal with it...

yes i love him a lot... no we cannot be together....

he is such an unfortunate case.. i really feel sorry for him being this way... having to bear with all that stigma and internal pressure...

i just dont want to lose him so soon....

i dont want to let go...

i don't wanna say goodbye.... all the friends here... all those times we spent together... they're about to become past memories... and the time we have right now, the moments that we're together now, will soon come to an end....

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhhh >.< ~~~""

this is far, far worse than facing the pressures of a stupid thesis studio and submitting assignments and working through weeks and weeks last year because i know at least at the end of it all, i can hang out with them and have fun as if there's nothing in the world to worry about... i am the happiest with them, and especially him....

could it be that i am too pathetic.... because i'm still so young and naive, and have never truly experienced love... have never truly loved a person and have that same person love me back....

is it because i am fat, ugly and single, that's why my life pathetically revolves around the only group of people i know and i only know how to spend my time and money for them...

is it because i am stupid and unable to think for myself...

is it because i have no real ambition...

is it because i am very incapable of being independent and strong..

is it because i am a fucking loser and a nerd...

..... that's why i'm so unhappy??

i brought everything onto myself??? i deserve this misery??

now let's see,.. every time i cry, within the next 3 days i will cry again... somehow the overly negative emotion enveloping my feelings will hover in my head as if i willed it to stay.... the secret says that if i continue to feel bad, bad things will keep happening.. because i expect them to....

the more i think about how miserablei am the more miserable i will feel, right?

so how to make things happier?...

first i should go to sleep earlier, coz the more rest i get, the fresher i will be and generally happier too

next i shall eat properly and at the correct time.... i don't know why i stubbornly delay my lunch hour every time i think i'm busy.. what the heck are you doing noob, all the other guys are much more busier than you and are handling far more important jobs... and you act as if you're damn busy and have to have late lunch (scolding myself .. )

third, i shall think of what presents to give verybody. that will make me happy :)

fourth, i shall hug my pillows tight tonight and try to love the world a bit more ... thanks amitofo ... thanks my mom and dad... thanks my friends... without you all, i couldn't be here today...

i am smiling now, because my dear brother has just wished me good night and hugged me virtually with our secret baby language that we always use. i'm so lucky there's one person in the world i'm this close with, and he will forever be there for me, because he is family :)

....... sigh...

after two consecutive days of heartache and singing emo songs while driving, today i finally feel a little numb from all that sadness. after hanging out with my two level-headed girl friends the realisation slowly sank in .... pls accept the fact, girl,... he's really really really gay... you can't change him.... he is a free spirit.. he did not choose you.... he is happily living his gay life...

._.

i dont know what to look forward to anymore... the graduation date constantly puts a lump in my throat... it's like an impending doomsday ... after this big day, i feel like it's a closure to the whole group's epiphany... like the friendship will end... like the closeness will disappear... like what happened to our group last year, some left the country, some retreated into their personal lives... we hardly see each other again... i dont even remember that i used to walk home at 5am with this bunch of people, that we used to discuss design quite animatedly and enjoyed some work... that i did have fun during my course... i can't remember how much i've suffered these two years.. all those scolding and hurt i received.. all those hard work channeled in the wrong direction... all those meaningless design efforts... all those self-doubts and self pity and knowing i can never achieve so much as beyond average...

that day when he told me he got the highest grade one can receive for studio, i got struck by jealousy and admiration ... silent admiration ... my congrats was so weak... looking back, i should've hugged him and patted him on the back... why was i so narrow-minded... >.< he was really happy with himself, he deserved more love from me... i'm a really cold hearted person....

today when driving i noticed someone doing something i didn't like.. (he passed by a fat person running and shook his head, presumeably thinking all that running isnt going to do much.. but im just assuming coz he's quite thin) and i imagined a spear piercing his body from the back >< why did i think of that? why am i so upset that time? actually i got a bit upset with 44 today too, but over really small things like her not replying my message until 8 hours later... and also not really caring whether im up for the meeting tonight or not.. and also not bothering to help ask others out if she wanted to meet them.. and also ... why am i finding excuses to find fault with her? whats wrong with me o.0"

i look at myself doing the hula hoop and feel disgusted with my enormous blob of stomach... gotta lose this fat.. gotta stop disgusting other people too ... i feel so so so so so so ugly right now...

now that the only guy i've ever decided to love and become close with ... is really appropriately considered more like a brother... i don't know how to love anyone anymore.. i have little energy and confidence to pick myself up and face the world and go find someone new, someone like him, someone who admires me that much and understands me that well and respects me that much and is able to make me that happy...

seems impossible...

don't give up! nothing is impossible! WE ARE! aitakeno, yume no, teki atsume~

in an attempt to demonstrate a photography gesture when making a joke -_-"

haih! i missed a totally amazing evening out with him and his friends today, coz i was too tired and slept all throughout the evening. now i'm wide awake n i have work tomorrow :(

coz i feel so alone, now that my two kor kor has left australia and are now reunited with their loved ones, one in HK and another in Sg.

whereas im stuck here to face the reality of daily goin to work and seeing my friends for the last few weeks they're gonna spend in melb this year.

that guy in particular having less than 2 months left here. and never coming back alrd. SOB!!!!

my brother's here but i cant take him out to every place i want... im working... SOB!!!

so many things to do that my parents asked... no time..........!!~~~