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Apr 29, 2014
he shook his head
when i leaned in for a kiss

i still love him very, very much .... i want him so badly... i just can't get over him... the feelings don't go away... it's hard to control myself being so close to him all the time...

I WANT HIM SO BAD..... WHY IS THIS SO HARD....

whyyyyyy

does he like another.... or more others... and just plain got tired of me...

does he think it is too impossible for us....

the truth is he just can't commit... there is no way he can be a typical boyfriend who does boyfriendly things.... he is not like that...

but what i want to know is, if he has feelings for me or not...

because anything is possible, anything can happen, i mean - i am willing to go with something rather than nothing at all - i can see him only once a month, or less, and spend a long time worrying if he's coming back alive and free, and have him love me... rather than this on and off seeing each other diplomatically and rigidly and controlled and just plain working without anything more... i tried... i gave food every time so we might have a chance to eat together....

im still spending on groceries for him... how i wish .... we can be together... to be the one he falls back on.... to chill out with when he has the chance... to confide in me his worries and secrets.... to trust in me... to cheer me on, we could cheer each other on in our daily work...

i don't know... just be a little closer.... i really don't know, how he could be so intimate.... those months back... i really believed those feelings were real.... he was so unbelievably nice.... and it was a wild dream .....

every day, every night, i believe that i am a sad little shit being dumped by the only guy who ever loved me. and that i will never get a chance to smile and be happy again. i have no life, and i can't move on. i am stuck, and i am unhappy forever. i know i have to change this thinking, and all i can think about are flashing back those memories of us being together.... that only hiking trip he took me to.... that lake he brought me to.... those times in his car watching at the drive-in.. those times in bed.... those times we talked.... sometimes i scroll over and over again on our messages.... and i cry and cry because those happy memories were what i think myself to sleep, what i used to look forward to so happily... that many months ago.... i feel so hurt and sad and pathetic and unhealthy...

i really wish i can be with him together again...... no matter how unrealistic or difficult... i mean, we could work together, we could make lots of money together, i could do amazing work for him, he could make amazing things happen. why not. HE NEEDS TO TELL ME WHETHER HE STILL LIKES ME OR NOT... coz.... as long as he is still alive, and still has feelings for me, i can't give up.......... i can't move on...... i will feel like i am cheating if i try to like someone else..... i have been given this chance with this person, and he is perfect to me, i deeply love and cherish every part of him - even when dripping with sweat and stinking of it (i can't smell it), even when smoking and i used to detest smokers, even when he is being short tempered.... i willingly accept all the negatives and embraced them as part of him that i love so much.... i can stand it all...

but he is pushing me away,............ pushing me away........

i feel so incredibly unwanted ..... lonely...... sad......... miserable......... after almost every time i see him, i will definitely cry..... this past few months ..... i just...... im just....... so down................... so deep in the depths of sadness..........

i know i am very, very, very stupid and selfish.....I AM TRYING SO HARD TO WIN BACK A LOVE THAT I REALLY WANT.... why must love be so difficult for me.... why am i so unlucky.... T.T .... love is only for the lucky and the strong.... not for me huh..... T.T

Posted at 12:50 am by yinnie

 

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