i've reached rock bottom
to the depths of hell
last night, bleary-eyed and very sluggish in thinking, he suddenly got into the mood of clearing things up with me, started asking me all the difficult questions, forcing me to think. where do i want to go with this, what do i want to do, why can't i just be myself, and not go out of the way to be so nice to him, i am trying way too hard, and it is wrong. i should not keep hoping for him to turn around and start something with me. HE NEVER INTENDED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE...
im seriously... im very sad... im always sad.. i havent stopped crying since he made it clear back in january... im so sad.............. i don't know how to get out of this misery.... i want him so bad.... i really don't know what else to do to get him to love me other than just showering him nonstop with kindness and love and undying loyalty and discipline to work and diligence and im killing myself just to get shit done between my day job that's already very taxing..... i dont know how much longer am i able to tahan.... i wish i can care-freely just work on with him with no issues... no... my heart really wants his love..... im doing all that work and my only reward that i want is his love... not money, not success.... i only want him....and he keeps telling me he can't...i can't have him...no,.... he can't be in a relationship with me.. but last night he said he NEVER WANTED ONE anyway.... sheesh.....
he said it was a big mistake trying all those things with me....
im crying again..... maybe he has only been pitying me.... god... i really love him so badly .... this love is ... so damn crazy hard.... this life is so hard..... im trapped..... i want him ..... i wish i can attract some happiness, so that good things can finally happen, but all i think about is how miserable i am being stuck in this situation still working crazily chasing deadlines and yearning for him who doesnt love me back... why la.... i have to stop crying soon, i need to finish all those elevations tonight and im already on the 4th night of 4 hours sleep or less.... im so dead tired and feeling shit.... i wish this will stop soon.... i don't want to cry so much, i don't want to feel so miserable, i don't want him to see me so miserable, i don't want .. i don't want... and i keep attracting all these things i don't want.....
i want to be happy!! i want to be carefree! i want someone to love me, ...i want HIM to love me.... i just want some rest and be at peace again... this is really too hard.... and IM GOING THROUGH EVERYTHING ALONE... i wish i have someone i can just call up and complain to .... i may have a few people.. but i dont wanna trouble anybody.. the last time i cried to my mom on the phone, she flew over immediately.. i dont want anyone to see he's been a jerk to me... i only want to think of him kindly... i really hope he is healthy and happy, he did say he's very happy with his life... im very ... im the opposite.... i mean, all i want now is to be with him that's why im sacrificing so much.... why the fuck cant i get anything that im trying so hard to get..... how much more effort must i put in..... or maybe i just need to wait a little longer... some day.... i'll get out of this misery.... someday, i'll be happy again...... someday we'll both be at peace... i just wish that someday will come sooner. like tomorrow.... i want to smile, be happy, laugh, do what i wanna do..... i don't know what i wanna do...... i thought that staying back and helping him succeed is a pretty good idea and use of my time, as long as he loves me.... no, he doesn't and can't love me, so what do i do now..... maybe it's very very selfish and greedy of me to expect so much... im ...im really .... just maybe addicted to crying and complaining... in this blog where no one will know.... im also so worried that he said he'll write everything down in his will... i don't want him to die, i don't want any accidents, or anything bad to happen.... i want him to live to a ripe old age, having accomplished every single one of his dreams, having lived life to the fullest, having what he really wanted after all, to be free and happy...... let's be happy... let's be happy..... even if we can't be together.... i want the both of us to be happy and living life to the fullest.... i love him so much.... i will never stop trying..... never..... i'll patiently wait it out... i don't know.... oh please... god... stop it already... i should not indulge in so much self pity... i got pretty much a mountain load of stuff to do... cant afford this much time whining and complaining .... i should not have dragged the conversation so long last night... i should have let him sleep.... and myself too.... so tired... so so so tired and weak and unhealthy lately.... i want to be fit, healthy, strong, confident, happy, stand up for myself, be someone important in the world, be lucky and generous and loveable all around... a fb quiz says my purpose in life is to spread joy by simply existing... my subconcsious knows that.... but my current state of mind can't function properly... i can't give joy to others if im not joyful myself.... if i can't get over this hurdle now, how am i gonna perform miracles in future? how am i gonna save the poor children, orphans, victims, the underpriviledged, the animals,.... how am i gonna make my mark in the world... how am i gonna create the art i wanted.... to reach out to everyone and pray and hope the world will slowly change for the better.... some of the many things i know i am here for... i need to do my part...... go go go!!! i can do it!!
Posted at 09:28 pm by yinnie