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Oct 10, 2014
just discovered a girl loves him and photos on fb
so ... my birthday is coming soon and i have organised a massive party with almost every one of my friends here in melb and my fav activity, karaoke. and after tonight, i feel like retreating into a deep, dark hole, not see anyone, not troubling anyone, feel like canceling the whole thing, or to text him saying, don't worry about Sunday. you are not welcome anymore".

but i know that will send him worrying and feeling angry at me for no reason.

DOESN'T HE KNOW ... I STILL LOVE HIM VERY, VERY MUCH?! it's actually my own fault too.. he only wanted me to work platonically with him... and made it clear that if i dont want to, i can leave....

i stubornly stuck on... i know i am only going to get hurt later...

and even though he didnt do anything to me, he didnt say anything, he was so good and normal...

there's a couple thing going on between him and another tall, beautiful girl... i dont know where she is, but they took pictures together in late sept so must be overseas...

gosh... so he wants to be in Serbia as long as he could...

FUCK THAT... NOW I NO LONGER WANT TO WORK WITH HIM ANYMORE.... it's so shitty.... me just working silently, paying for all the bits and pieces, sacrificing my sleep, my health, my mental health... for months and years now... for what?! just a friendship! in the end he could not be more than a friend... what's all that false hope in the beginning.. what "obviously because i like you".. that was probably true only at the start... maybe he grew to like me less... i dont know.....

why must i be so stupid to keep thinking that my happiness depends on him, one person, of all things in the world?!

i knew my conditions to stop loving him, 1. he died, 2. he tells to my face he hates me. but i never counted in the fact that he might fall in love with someone else. shit.

he knew all along i was a big fool and .... i dont know... he's trying his best to be diplomatic and nice to me since i never stop doing all i can for him... i know he also knows he can't do anything more than be friends with me and he tries to make things cool with insults here and there and reminding me he is entitled to say and feel whatever he wants.. which of course is fair.... who am i to tell him what to do...

i knew from the start he is a free bird who can never be caged....

i knew that somehow i will only be a part of his life, and we will go our separate ways....

now i recall back when in his car, that night he first kissed me... i did say... whatever happens, it will at least be a lesson for me... after all, i am new to the game... i was so willing to take on anything... the first guy i liked that liked me back, that was such a miracle i was so fucking happy and naive,.... now see what it took me to.... a year and more down the line, i am a complete wreck who can do nothing beyond thinking for him and doing all for him. what happened to my ideals, my own ambitions, my culture, my place, my language? i stopped all of that and don't have time for my hobbies, my health, my sanity. i spent so much time crying myself to death. and what for?

it's not like one day he will say to me, hey, i realised how important you are to me, will you please be with me? it's impossible. he'll most likely return to Serbia and have a great time doing all he wants there, There are more than enough reason and things for him to do and accomplish his ambition. He can make money anywhere, he can fuck bitches anywhere. He does not need me or any dramas here. He can leave all his problems behind. I think he should leave Melbourne for good. I can also move on, finally. no more tears. New adventure, bring it on! I shall love a little more carefully this time.

my heart, please, cross his name out. He does not belong in my list anymore. Just one of the past lost loves.

my brain, please stop focusing on a lousy relationship and focus on more important things like how to utilise my intelligence to save the world and people in need. I certainly only experienced a tiny bit of suffering that most people have and are going through. I'm like a baby who cries at every single little thing like my toys not being the same colour or the bird outside is too big. I am so stupid and naive.

Maybe it's best. I have grown so much, thanks to this one guy who have shown me the dark side of the world in a safe way. I'm thankful nothing happened to me, no STD, no pregnancies, no arrests, no nothing yet.

good luck man....

Posted at 09:20 pm by yinnie

 

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