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Oct 27, 2014
i can survive 1 month but 5 months...???
OH MY GOD.. it has been a week of TREMENDOUS WHIRLWINDS ...

on monday night... omg EPIC CRYING...

we had a good night of food and movie as usual... and he good-naturedly allowed me to stay the night as it was already 12-1am ...

i suddenly remembered seeing the pretty girl kissing him on fb and knowing i have to lay next to him but not touch and have no physical desires, and i can't do it, it is too painful... i could not explain why and ran out the door... he asked why... why are you leaving.. i cried and cried and he followed me to my car and asked where are we going? and sat inside before i opened my door..

i closed my door and cried and cried...

"omg i can't stop crying... Last Friday night, the night before my birthday weekend with my party, I was looking at your facebook and it's what i do, check your page and photos coz i was bored, and i found this girl kissing you... i know it's wrong, you have every right to see - to do whatever you want, i have no right to say anything ...

but it killed me... i didnt want to have my party anymore, i almost canceled it.. (cry somemore) sorry... i must've said sorry 10 times..

he said he has a gift of making more chicks cry than laugh... he must have won an award for making the most chicks cry this year...

he said i dont have to be sorry.. and i already know.. it is very hard for him to get close to anybody... for anybody to understand him... and we talked a bit more and he said so can we go back inside?... as i got out i said i must have attracted what i wished for... i didnt want to get married, i didnt want any children... all i want to do is work, create good work, beautiful work, help someone achieve his dreams...

we went inside, i finally laid next to him to sleep, and suddenly his left hand ran up my right thigh and over ...

i cried again.. why are you touching me for?!? he said for fun...

and we made love again.. first time this year.. since nov last year... during which i said i feel like crying, but - he said oh no you can't cry now, you're feeling pleasure...

and on another night i went over, we made love again... this is so weird... what the hell does he want.. he said 'i just feel like it... when you want to do something just do it... '

but other than phyiscal stuff and then either he's working hard or not talking... nothing else.. i can't meet him and i went to a seminar in the weekend...

and tonight he seems to be really tired of me.. or maybe he's too stressed..

when he went home for a month i could deal with it, only 4-5 weeks, i can wait till he's back and we can sort out projects.. i collected the mail dilligently and reported stuff to him...

this time, he's going back for 5 whole months.... if i got pregnant, my stomach would have been big by then.... but i'm not...

how will i survive this 5 months? will i finally go out and meet new people? will i save my heart for him? will he give me an answer before he leaves? i want to stick by him every moment of the day and night, make every moment count, i want our days to last forever, i don't want him to leave... but he must... there are so many things he wants to accomplish there... and there's that pretty girl over there, she probably misses him....

he did say he's the worst of the lot, i just happened to be so unlucky to meet him..

and i keep telling him he is great... and he did say he would have felt so much better if i tore his clothes apart and started beating him up, instead of crying, but i could never ever hurt him... all i could feel was to be sorry for myself, and sad that he could not love me as much as i love him...

it hurts, when i want him so much, and i know i could not have him, no matter how hard i try.. how many meals i cooked, how many times i drive past, how many times i try to .... i cried to him saying i am trying so hard... and he said you dont have to try at all... i said all the things that i do, they are not fake... i really wanted to give you all those things.. i automatically think of you whenever i have something good... i want to share it with you.... i mean... it's automatic...

he knows.. he knows... oh... i feel like crying again... how am i going to survive this 5 months without him?.... .....

Posted at 12:20 am by yinnie

 

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