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Apr 8, 2015
should i maintain this relationship?
my new boyfriend is like how i was to ivan. i was 100% supportive, always putting him first, forgoing my own pursuits and dreams to support him, always loving and caring, all-accommodating. Now JJ is totally like that to me, he loves me more than I love him. I feel bad. I like him, I like how supportive he is to me, I like the idea of having a boyfriend who actually loves me more than I do, I like having the security and peace of mind. However, this guy is less ambitious and from a poorer, or lesser background than me. I wanted to say I don't care about money and status, and here comes this guy to come and challenge that exact notion. Ok, so here is a guy completely different from my stable financial family background, very different education and language, yet we find the things we are passionate about in common, namely health, food and loving and caring for each other. I am grateful for his unwavering support and love for me and all the little things that he has done for me, those little things go far beyond any ordinary boyfriend would do, he is amazing. But yeah without money, status and the level of intelligence at least on par with me... i doubt my family would approve... my dad... well my mom and brother might adore him since he is so loving and caring... my brother already met him and thinks he is okay... as for myself... what i am really worried about is having to bear the burden of making all the money myself... since he is not ambitious...

so yes i am feeling a little disappointed in him, and yes i am setting a criteria for us to be together, which is for him to be rich and successful, otherwise i can't introduce him to my family. this thinking is so rotten. This was exactly how he went wrong with his last gf, he set a criteria for her to lose weight and be presentable to his family. I should not repeat that mistake. I should be able to accept him for who he is right now, regardless of what he may become in future. Think the other way, what if something horrible happened, like a big accident or a bankruptcy or some disaster, and one of us - touch wood - choi - got sick, injured, paralyzed, poor, homeless... etc... what will happen? The cold hard truth is he would have still accepted me, but I would have been hesitant to still accept him. This is terrible. if i am not ready to announce him to the world now, there is no guarantee that i will do it in future. if he is not right for me now, should i give him some time for him to change, or should i let him go, and not waste his time? he will be dearly heartbroken if he knew i am thinking like this, all his love for me instantly forgotten, he had such deep feelings for me.

sigh

whatever the cost of happiness is, maybe the only way out is to detach from all desires. i don't know. feel sien. just lost about $11k in my abysmal stupidity of helping ivan and his client. very terrible mistake that i cant tell my parents about, they will probably disown me or kill themselves or something, it is so horribly embarrassing ... shameful... an abomination... i should never have access to their money, i can't be trusted... i give it all away too easily and can't earn enough money for shit... and here i am judging this guy whose heart is made of gold, who loves me more than his whole entire being, who really genuinely wants me to be my very best and be together and be happy. for that to happen i might have to compromise a lot, like my current carefree, comfortable, safe, happy standard of living, being in a better country than where he is... i don't know.

he is my saviour and my current best friend who now knows a lot about me that most people don't and fully supports me in whatever i do. i am very, very very grateful to have him in my life and frequently wonder where did such luck come from, what did i do to deserve someone so good, how lucky am i to know him.

oh.... my heart tells me to hold on but be cautious, because this might go bad, i might cause a lot of trouble in future. i don't know.

sometimes my hunches are right, sometimes i forget to pay attention, sometimes i only realise after things have happened. i don't know. maybe when we sit down to have our bak zi read, then we will know for sure if we are compatible or not. but i know true love cannot be dependent on some fortune telling. if i really love him i wouldnt have cared, i would have insisted we are compatible, we are meant for each other, he loves me and i love him... it also scares me how he proposed to me so early, although it was light-hearted, i know he fully intended and will definitely want me forever. he is seriously in love with me.

he is a simpleton....! if i asked him what did he do today he will say 'miss me' .... oh ... my dear JJ....


Posted at 10:21 pm by yinnie

 

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