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Feb 18, 2017
i'm still in love with him
I have finally felt enough discontent and insecurity to doubt my relationship with the most gentle, loving, caring, mature and responsible man I've ever met and who fully loves and cherish me.

Due to a series of plain unlucky events I suddenly fear for my future with him as he and his circle present a very different circumstance from what I am used to. For example, he could not speak English well, and I had to organise every tiny little thing like calling banks and insurances and real estate agents just to run our lives. He would have to rely on a translator or an English-speaking friend. He would set lower standards than I would to accomplish some things and always tells me, as long as I tried my hardest, that is enough. It is mainly his background, his level of education, his circle of friends, his main topic of conversation, .... it's all too ordinary and bland for me. I seldom get to share in-depth thoughts and philosophical conversations which I enjoy. The night I flew back to the same apartment we live in, I told him he would not come back with me after all. That I had lost feelings for him. It was a break up to me. I suggested that he moves out. He was undoubtedly hurt. He said it would hurt him more if he moved out. Afterwards, we had a long in-depth talk and he said he really enjoyed in-depth talks with me and he admitted he had been slack and not fulfilling his promises. Afterwards we developed a better level of understanding and love for each other and I really cherish every minute with him. I am falling back in love with him. It is too late now, he has accepted that we are breaking up and he will not be together with me once we go back. Now my heart aches whenever I think that we are not going to be together anymore, he is ... my boyfriend! I love him! Why did I lose my feelings for him and even fell for another guy?? Why? What torn us apart? Different social and financial status? Different family background? The fact that 90% of my family and peers are against us? The fact that I worry for our future when he could not provide the lavish, comfortable life that I am used to? The fact that his circle and family are ordinary people with ordinary needs and no luxury to live like my friends and I do? The fact that we are different? ....

We have the same kind passion for the world, very empathetic and mature. We feel so incredibly comfortable with each other, that we both provide each other a loving feeling of home. He lost his parents, he missed his mother, he would not allow himself to be happy after her passing, until he met me and felt at last his mother allowed him to be happy again. He felt like his life finally has a clear direction and is worth living. He thanked me over and over, when what I did was to break his heart by telling him we are breaking up, he should move out, and I fell for another guy. He forgave me for everything and treated me so preciously. We made love so many times. Today even dangerously. I would be in so much trouble if something goes wrong. I really... i feel so heartbroken now that we are really leaving this relationship. It had been incredibly special to me. He saved my life too. He nursed me back to health and loved me so well and deeply and showed me how great love can be. Especially after I had been so deeply hurt by my first love. He came into my life so easily and loved me so easily. I had such a wonderful, peaceful, lovely life, albeit simple and full of hardworking times. He made me treasure simple stuff and cherish just pure moments of love. I can't wait to be in his arms, to hold his hand, to spend time with him, to talk, to laugh, to just ... love him. And now I can't say, I love you. I can't say, I wish we can be together, because I have chosen to break up. What should I do? I am falling back in love with him. He's ... too nice. I really love him. He's a guy that ... the way he loves me... I've never seen anyone be loved to this level ... he's so attentive.. so caring... so nurturing... so gentle... so mature... so responsible... so incredibly strong and unassuming... so patient.. so kind... Am I giving up my only chance to be blissfully happy the rest of my life? Or am I doing the right thing by leaving this man who may potentially lead me to misery and hardship just because he is not rich right now? ... His diligence, discipline and willingness to learn is unmistakable. He works tirelessly and without complaints. He is incredibly patient. His only fault is his English is bad but he's trying very hard to improve it. We connect on a spiritual level that I have never experienced with any other person before. We really share the same perspective and attitude towards the world. We feel so comfortable with each other. I seriously wish that it would be him coming with me to my beach holiday and not the new guy. I seriously wish that I can continue this relationship and marry him and have children and live a blissful peaceful simple life together with the same principles and values. I never told my family why I loved him. I never told them I was even in love with him. I never bothered to defend him when my mom assumed unkind and discriminatory things about him. I was doubting him at that time. Now, we are so ... I don't know. I really don't know what to do, what to feel. I may need counseling. But like i said, 90% of my circle is against us. .... A friend advised that, when that many people think that way, they are probably right... .. what else can I do? Will crying actually give me a solution?.... I cry because I feel sorry for myself and I really miss him. I cry because I felt all those moments we loved each other, all those memories.. they are all going to be in the past and I can't love him anymore... I'm crying over my loss... So sad...

Posted at 09:20 pm by yinnie

 

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