woke up at 5.45 just to go to office to shower, because shower at home is clogged. worked from 7.30am to 6.30pm and continue at home from 9 to now.
this is my story
i almost posted this on wordpress
After battling months of self pity, tears, loneliness and absence of all happiness in my daily life, I have finally decided to tell someone of my predicament. Actually, a few people already know. I have fallen in love, and had my heart broken, and have to continue a relationship with him until today, indefinitely. It is incredibly hard for me to accept that he cannot be in a relationship with me. I keep hoping for him to change, but realistically, it will never happen. He has already let go of his wants and needs for a long-term settle-down and marry kind of relationship, a long time ago. He already told me he cannot commit, the first night before he kissed me. He thought that as long as he stated beforehand that he is not sure, not ready, not the perfect kind of guy, that I will understand and not expect anything. In my little dream world I was exploding with fantasies, because he was giving me experiences I never had before and I thought I had felt genuine romantic feelings towards me from him, and I trusted those feelings. Eventually, he avoided seeing me intimately and told me we could work together, but not go back to dating, because he wants to keep things professional between us and he wants to sort his life out and achieve his personal goals. He just does not want the whole drama and hassle of a relationship. That is what he said. He continued to help me out tremendously, not charging me for the reno works that could have costed 20k - there is never ever any chance that he could be taking advantage of me, I know he wants only the best for me and never to hurt me. He continue to be kind and diplomatic and trusting, in the work that we are doing. I am his drafting assistant, he pays me cash for the draftng work so he can handle his jobs and whatever he needs to do. He is extremely passionate about skydiving and flying in a wingsuit, something that he had wanted to pursue all his life and waited until now. He has completed 100 jumps as of today. The moment he described his dream to me, I know he is going somewhere that I could not follow. I have no interest in doing the same things, and it will be agonizing to tolerate such madness my whole life, each day hoping he is doing things correctly and safely - as one wrong step will be fatal. That was my initial thought. As the days, weeks and months pass, while I slave over torrents of unfinishable work, not having any personal time and not meeting anyone new, my mind can only drift around the thoughts of a lost love and incredible sadness. I begin to want even a miserable half life tolerating his sudden take-offs and arrivals, short meetings and crazy schedules and deadlines, as long as he has me in his heart. I wanted to tell him that - he actually already knows. He tried to tell me to let go already, he is tired of answering my endless, angst-y questions. He cannot commit to a relationship, so I have to stop trying with him. The reason why he stopped having an intimate relationship with me is so I won't be stuck with a nutcase like him, he wants me to find my happiness elsewhere with someone else, as he could not provide things a full-time boyfriend could, so whether or not he has feelings for me is irrelevant. I just find it so hard to do, to leave. Why am I hanging around ... why am I helping him out.. I made a promise to finish at least these projects while he finishes my house - which he already did. But the projects I'm working on takes a very long time. I have no chance to take any breaks and go have a normal life. We just had 4 full days of a long weekend, everyone's relaxing at home with their families hunting easter eggs or going on road trips, camping holidays, some even travelled overseas - and I am working at the same pace as back in uni having less than 5 hours of sleep a night and never leaving my laptop, frantically completing one task and then straight onto the next, and wishing the weekend stretched longer because I need more time to get the job done. I did mention to him it is hard work - but then he is also working hard, drawing and more jobs for his clients while everyone else is partying. It is his company and his jobs though, not mine. In the end, what I am working so neckbreakingly on, is not my own work. I am either helping my boss earn more money, or helping him. I still haven't submitted drawings for my own house, I still haven't retouched my portfolio to find new work, I still haven't logged my time to fill out the forms for registering for my Architect's title. I still haven't found my true passion in life - it may be in developing sustainability and learning in Japan - I wanted to live and work in Japan for at least a year before I settle down somewhere and work till retirement - no, that was never the plan - I wanted to whatever I want with no contracts or obligations to anyone. My parents, very admirably, never ever questioned my singlehood or decision to live and work in Melbourne, and they supported me all the way. I could take off and go wherever I want. Now I just want to live a little happier. I could do a fantastic job finishing my projects for him, for my boss, then resign from both jobs and seek freedom. A very nice uncle at work told me I look happy and healthy, even though I feel the exact opposite, which I've been feeling about myself for the past 3 months. I felt as if nothing is worth looking forward to, nothing is worth living for, nothing is worth smiling about, there is only darkness, there is only tears, there is no way out of the suffering except death. In brief moments when my family called or friends spoke to me, I feigned okay-ness and pretended to smile. I felt okay for awhile and the next moment I am wallowing in self pity again. This has to end. I know I used to be a very different person, someone who smiles easily and brings happiness into others' lives. I know my friends know me like that. I know they will be heartbroken to know that I am suffering so much, and maybe angry for being stupidly hardworking and loyal for the wrong person, for not quitting earlier and stop self-pitying. My best friend told me over and over, that he is not right for me, cut ties with him, move on. My brain knows she is right. My heart is still stubbornly clinging onto this only source of love I've known, the only person - I know, I can never find someone that I feel exactly the same way about, no one will ever be at his level of intensity that I understood. I know, I can never forget that I ever had this period of relationship with him, nothing can erase those memories no matter how I wish they never happened, or for them to happen again. I know, that this has to end, and I have to stop being so negative - after all, good things can only come when I view them as good. I know, by writing this and letting someone see my writing, that I am letting it out and standing up slowly. I will be strong when I see him next. I can only see him as a friend. Who knows what will happen in the future? I know, if I continue to be so negative, nothing good will happen. I have to be strong and be positive. I have to think it is easy to be happy. I have to shake off this whole self-pitying, gloomy depression and view the world as a giant place for me to cultivate my own greatness and endless possibilities and dreams to pursue, endless chances and love stories to happen and things to experience, I want to live on and achieve more in life. I want to live! I want to journey on, with freedom!
another dream that pierced through my heart
i was in an apartment together with him and another asian girl, who is dark-skinned, short black hair and i hated her although i did not recognize her. she bought big slices of meat jerky for us which i did not touch. we had some bread-cake on the table. i looked away for a few moments and when i looked back, he had carved the words 'i still love you' on the bread. i quickly carved 'me too' on mine and showed him. we were smiling so warmly and brightly at each other. i vaguely remembered there were some hugging, kissing, spooning as well.
the warm sunshine woke me up. i am mentally and physically tired. the reality of it all hit me and i wished i could stay permanently in that wonderful dreamland where it was all nice and comfortable and perfect, instead of this cold hell i'm in right now. how i wish he really does love me back... if only .... :'(
i can feel my body shutting down
it is difficult to breathe. i am uber uber tired. i slept at 5am and woke up at 7.45am. two nights ago i slept at 3.45am and woke up at 7.30am. This sort of pattern is not unusual for me, I have been doing it every so often, maybe twice a month, depending on the jobs I am doing for him. I have virtually no life. I don't even spend time having a proper meal. I maintain physical hygiene and that's about it, I don't spend time chatting with people, buying proper food, making proper meals, even driving is a waste of time but I gotta get to work and home. I bought subway last night because I felt I needed the luxury of a wholesome meal in a short span of time. It is crazy. At work, I have tons of mundane, dredgy-work to go through, and people don't realise how much time is needed for all the work. I showed a pretty bad face for having to have lunch at 3pm every day, and I am tired all the time, and the work just keeps piling up.
but Ivan's work is even worse. I think he is gonna explode at me tomorrow. He probably has way too many jobs than he can handle, and I can't keep up with his deadlines. I spent a crazy amount of hours just adjusting site levels with the first project, god knows how long I will need for all the other sites. There is just so much shit to do. I wonder how am I going to face him tomorrow, will my emotions be balanced and good, or will I be in turmoil and weak like always.
the crying. it never fucking stops. It has been so many months now, it is old news already, and every now and then the pain comes to sting me and force me to surround my thoughts in gloom. I will tear very easily and my mood just rains like dark clouds and thunderstorms and nothing is happy or motivating and I lose all interest in life. I become a lifeless zombie, just mechanically doing my work, eating and sleeping little, doing everything without feeling. Just the other day my boss's daughter was reading Harry Potter. I love it to death and yet I couldn't bring myself to be sociable, to light up and share my excitement, to be happy for once.
i am utterly tired and i can't even bring myself to do anything ......... misery just keeps me locked up and imprisoned.... i am in a very very dark place... there seems to be no end to the amount of work....
i wish i can be happy again, to see clear blue skies, sunny weather, hear birds chirping, smile, laugh, play, joke, be funny and lively like i used to. i wish i can live normally again. i miss my old self. i miss my friends. i miss my family. i miss food. i miss sleep. i miss him being nice to me. i miss .... i miss happiness.... come back to me, happiness.... come back to me, positivity.... why everything left me alone in this deep, cold, dark depths of hell.... i shiver every day and night from uncontrollable tiredness and cold... too much work, too little outdoors and healthy breathing and exercise... and what the fuck am i eating, just cereal, muesli, tuna, spinach leaves, apples, .... no proper hot food in ages....
friends. i don't know who to talk to. i used to share my secret feelings and frustrations with a special friend who seemed very kind and willing to listen... now that he has a gf, i should not bother him any more....
i used to chat with my brother, my mom, anyone so easily... now, i think about the immense burden of my heart just clutching at me so heavily, i feel a lump in my throat whenever i think about saying it out loud - and i stop myself and pretend im okay and just end the conversation and say i'm very busy, i'm going back to work. i could not pour my feelings out to anyone, saying .. help me... i am very very heartbroken.... i feel so sad, i feel so much pain.... please help me be okay again.... T_T" who to say that to, and ask for a hug? >< .... i dont wanna trouble anyone or waste anyone's time....
i suddenly feel a little repulsion
as i watched him tend to his plants. i know i definitely do not want the drama and stress of having to face the police if it ever happens - him being caught - it is a possibility whether i like it or not. if i am with him, there is always the danger and tension... and i personally do not even want to touch, consume or smoke them. it is so dark and wrong.
i don't know what to say to him. i leaned in close, he happily gave me a peck on the cheek goodbye and smiled brightly as we bid each other goodbye. and we will see each other soon i guess.
i don't know. maybe it is possible after all for me to move on, despite having to work for him. Maybe it is possible after all to finally see him as just a friend, a goofy, life-embracing, skydiving nut, weed-smoking friend. someone who really does not want any sort of marital commitments in his life, someone who doesn't even remember what his first girlfriend looked like, someone who doesn't even get along well with family members and housemates. Someone who immediately retaliates when provoked, will never show remorse, will never soften, will only retort with more harsh language and rudeness when confronted with the tiniest bit of non-friendliness to him. I noticed how low his tolerance is. In that sense he is not a very mature man in handling his emotions. I don't know. maybe he does act very intelligently and maturely in other situations. Yea like when the Sheriff caught his car and clamped the wheel. To the poor girl working 24/7 for him, when he is in a bad mood, it was awful. I feel so sorry for her and immensely turned off by him, it reminded me of my bro when he was 6. Grow up and be more sensitive already! I remember he told me he can't be bothered trying to learn the female language, being sensitive and talkative and all, he really doesn't know how to love a woman. How many girls have come and gone in his life, maybe a lot of them left him for a very trivial reason. One girl got so hurt that she retaliated severely. Ransacked his house and took his most treasured possessions hoping that would break him. What drove a girl to that extent? He must have been a dick. I don't know, I am still believing what a great guy he is. I was still planning to tell him, hey, in case you ever wanted me again, my heart is always kept open to you. I may date around but i have already decided since the night you kissed me, that i belong to you. i want you. so please make it clear, that you do or do not have feelings for me. please.
yeah i was planning to say that, but i have no idea what will happen next. he'll probably have a bad headache and tell me to fuck off and stop doing his head in with this complicated relationship talk, if he wants to be rude to me. so far he has never treated me that way. he did say that i am the nicest person he has ever met. he did say that i am the most beautiful person he has ever met. if only he met me before he met his ex who broke his heart. ...
so yeah i still dont know what i want. currently, i am working part time for him and full time for my office, so my healthy, sanity, freedom are all gone. if i be his girl, and do all his shit for him, it will be a full time job and i will be even crazier. coz now she is around to help out, it is not so bad. but she will leave in a week's time. i don't know what he's gonna do. I wish i can take her place and be his 24 hour slave, as long as he loves me. that sounds really wrong, and i know what others will react - are you insane?? and that is what i actually want.
is this purely for the sake of having a man in my life? why is he so important? why does he have to determine my destiny like this? why should i follow his crazy path? why do i like him that much? i don't have to. i should follow my own path and be a strong, independent, caring and kind lady with a lot of success. i have to visit my World Vision son in Africa one day, i am only paying 48 dollars a month for him.
i want to open an orphanage in malaysia. actually i want to turn my house into an orphanage, or a secret service shelter for alternate organisations for the greater good - like 12 Grimmauld Palace lol - because it is in a safe location. wow. exciting. i have no friends now, but i am sure i can link up with very powerful people i have in fb at the moment, so many superstars doing amazing things in their daily lives. Young and inspirational. i came from an amazing school with extraordinary kids, the kinds that could be world leaders, talented, kind-hearted, extremely intelligent. i may be one of them. it is very sayang that i am currently in this rut and i chosen such a lousy profession.
Architecture. what we do? we sit in front of the computer all day, drafting lines and lines and text that make up drawings that contribute to building new buildings that consume lots of material and energy and money in order to make a selected few people rich and the Earth even poorer. The building industry is very resource-hungry and just so unstable financially. Design. at the moment it is only spatial planning and fitting to dimensions. and maybe material selection.
art. it is totally meaningless. if art and function can be combined that would be better. i don't know. like Apple. Design and technology and taking over the world simply because it is beautiful and works well.
yeah. i am a smart woman, i am beautiful, thin and sexy, i can speak well, i am not afraid, i am actually very liberal and mature, i like inspirational stuff, i am backed up by good financial background, race, name, family, nothing wrong with me, no crime record, etc... why would i sign myself up to a life of pain, misery, anxiety, locked-up working endlessly, to a man who might only please me half an hour each fortnight or something, and leave me abruptly at any time....
it just does not make sense. i am better than him. i know it. i am better than him. or, he is just human, and i am no worse than him.
ok plan plan plan.... i will finish his jobs well. i will do as promised. i will pay him, and he will pay me. there's no question about that, he insisted on doing renos for me free of charge and only invoice me on materials and his friends' labour, nothing from himself. he swallowed massive amounts of asbestos doing work for me, not only him but his/our friends as well. it is ... terrible of me... i know...
anyway. yea. after the work is all done, i will look to train someone new, to take over my place,or just leave him to it. at the same time, i will apply for jobs elsewhere - yeah i am just itching, dreaming, yearning for the day i resign from my current day job. it is just too difficult hiding so much from them. i can't say anything. all that politics between him and my boss... i can't say anything at all, im avoiding questions and chances of being asked questions at all costs. it is hard being sociable and nice and all that. it's crazy. and i have been badmouthing them to every potential client i meet outside of work, because their prices are exorbitant, and because i wanted to promote him instead. i know he'll be a much better choice. it is morally wrong in terms of the company though.. if i were my boss i'd not only fire myself but sue myself too. it is so wrong. yeah. i have to resign and tell them i need a proper archi firm experience in order to register and i have had enough working there because my experience does not count, and thanks for the happy times and raise in salary and christmas presents. (sarcastic because they are so stingy). the work itself is great though, i am in my comfort zone. yeah definitely should leave. well. hopefully it goes smoothly, i find a job, i leave them, i find a replacement, i leave him, or i just leave the country altogether. yay. and GO TO JAPAN....!!!!
and obviously the need to complain is fulfilled here
i spent $130 on a dance pass that i have only used twice. and it is expiring tomorrow. so tonight is the last chance i can redeem it. Also, tonight one of my dearest, closest friends is coming to town with her brothers, all of whom i love and i should by all means join them for dinner and catch up. also, my dear housemates invited me for a simple walk before dinner to stretch the legs and fill the lungs with fresh outside air. i haven't been out exercising for at least 2 whole months now.
instead.. i am doing his work again tonight. i have to. otherwise ... there is just not enough time.
he is going to nagambie again tomorrow night. it is just madness.
i feel really... i don't know.... i want him so badly. This morning i dreamt vividly of him laughing, joking with me, and giving me a very physical kiss. it was so real. it felt rubbery with the lips, wet where the teeth are, warm, light, fluffy, comfortable, and he was saying 'your smile looks naughty... ' and we laughed... it was so sweet... and right after that my alarm rang and i woke up, and in the cold darkness realized with a pang of ache that it was only a dream. and i am in this cold dark world totally cut off from him, so far away from that sweet, beautiful dream.
i feel shit
i am typing here again because i have nobody to talk to. or rather, i dont wanna burden anybody. i just feel like ranting and have a good cry. i dunno why i love to cry so much. it is just so pathetic. i could be doing work now, getting 4 survey plans done and start work on mine. you don't know how much insane amount of work i have on my plate. it just ... it is just mind blowing how some people next to me only thinks about jogging or something on the weekend. i haven't had a rest day since cny. i think i only really have holidays when i fly out of this country.
today has been the shittiest day yet. nah i had worse. but today is really bad. i did not manage to get much done. i spent so much time in traffic and even more time waiting around for people. i am so patient. yet i am dying inside. i haven't had lunch until 10.40pm after i reached home. i can't see a way to feel happy at all about my situation with him. i am trying, the hardest, way beyond all limits, to win his love. i am really trying. i could have been angry and blamed him for selfishly going to skydive for 5 days when we all needed him around. i could have been upset. i could have complained how difficult it was to do site measuring, and i used every inch of time i had, i slept punctually, i used up every ounce of energy, she and i worked so hard, she worked even harder. no i ddint mention a word of the difficulty. of the dogs and thorny bushes and whatever. i genuinely feel thankful and sorry everyone incl him had to be exposed to asbestos. i feel immensely bad about the whole thing. it is purely my fault. why did i buy this shitty house in this shitty neighbourhood having shitty asbestos and such bad construction and electrical wiring... and i cant complain to my workplace because i would have to then admit i am seeking help from him and i have been in touch with him..... i am such a bad employee. i should resign soon. there are way too many things i am hiding from them, it is exploding inside me to keep it all a secret and being so backstabbing. it is totally unfair. i am such a disloyal, manipulative, deceiving, sneaky, thieving employee. and lazy and unmotivated too. i feel really bad every day facing everyone and it is so hard to put on a smile and pretend everything's ok. i cant say much about what is going on. please nobody ask me how was my weekend. please nobody talk to me. please i dont wanna see your face. i purposely avoid lunch times.
a living hell.
ever since i poured my predicament to my best friends during a sleepover, this stuck in my head. having to work diligently for my ex. someone i obviously still have feelings for. having to swallow all my feelings and pretend nothing happened. having to work professionally, still maintain business relationship, produce good results, helping to spread his name out... and still pretend i have no feelings and still expect nothing more from him except my pay. HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?! I CANNOT..... I CANNOT..... BUT I MUST..... THIS IS SO.... FUCKING... DIFFICULT..... i haven't stopped crying.... it has been ... since the beginning of this fucking year.... so many months i have not stopped crying.... i ruined my holiday, i ruined my health, i ruined many peoples' days because of my cancellation of their events and stuff... i met guys who could have helped me get past this shitty relationship and i had to turn away every single one because i just have no time... i am stuck doing so much work... and having to expect nothing but fair pay and good result on his part for sacrificing his health and free time to do my house...
all i want, is to be together with him. all i want, is his love. why on earth is that so hard to earn?! why ..... why ..... there is no one that i can cry to.....
there is no one that i can cry to, except my pillow....
and i should not waste time like this ranting, i should be doing work....
i feel so sad all the time................
this existence... what have i done to deserve this.... T_T
please love me.... i love you so badly..... i really want to be together with you, even if you want to pursue your dreams and be free, i want to support you every step of the way, i want to love you and be loved by you in return.... really is it that hard for you to accept one more person in your life? don't you want someone to care about you at all? why shut me out .... maybe i am too difficult for you..... I AM TRYING VERY HARD ALREADY..... there is no limit to my niceness...... i love you......
i feel like dying
I have been bleeding so badly every time i go to the toilet. it has happened for 5 or 6 consecutive times over the past few days.
i keep getting this feeling that he has grown very cold and unfeeling towards me. it is as if i am only a tool, i am only someone convenient and helpful for him for his jobs. he did say before he cannot work with someone and also be in a relationship with someone.
he is a jerk.
she told me she knows he and another girl is doing it together. he is a jerk.
he said nothing changed, so i took that as he still had feelings for me. and the only reason he can't continue on is because he does not want any commitments.
no, he wants to fck other girls. he is turned off by me.
maybe i never deserved him in the first place. maybe it is not my fortune at all.
i feel so incredibly ugly and unwanted.
i have sacrificed all my free time for him. my health. i have been working non-stop. i haven't exercised for 3 months. i feel crap all the time. i have tons of work to do, i can't break out of my painful routine of working nonstop till 1am every night and going to work at my day job and suffering silently and sleepily drudging through tons of work and keeping quiet about the whole thing and declining my nice friends' invites to socialise.
and for what?
i thought that if i work as hard as i can, if i fulfill his every wish, if i stayed on, if i waited, if i am kind, patient, understanding, loyal and stay beautiful as well, he will eventually love me back.
he has now gone to fuck other girls. well.
he is a jerk.
i had wanted my judgement of him to be right, so badly. i wanted to believe that i have fallen in love with the greatest guy on earth. i thought no one could ever match up to him. i have just praised him to the heavens to strangers. i tried to help him and his business wherever i go and whoever i meet. i really wanted to help him build it up.
he treats me and a like shit. unappreciated for our stuff and getting scolded and all that. i feel incredibly sorry for her and for myself. and i am sad all the time. why am i trapped in a relationship like this, and i still want him back.
i can't let go.
even thought i realised what a jerk he is.
he coldly drops all the physical contact with me although he knows how preciously i hold those in my heart. and he expects me to forget it all. he expects me to keep working like a robot, with no feelings for him. i am human, i am female, and i love him. i can't. it is impossible. he says it is possible, i think it is for him because he never intended to get serious with me from the first place, and i was only just another chick. once i turned ugly on him, he runs away instantly. he is worse than the guys who at least are willing to try and get married. he is a jerk....
i had wanted my judgement of him to be right...
i agree that i should not hold him back on his dreams, i should let him achieve his goals and give him space when he needs it, but ... if he had left me only because of other women... or that i am inadequate... or that .... sigh. .... i know thinking badly about him, complaining about him, feeling so terrible all the time, isn't going to help ME..... for my own sake, i have to keep myself alive.... i feel shit all the time.... how can i escape from this terrible monster that keeps me in the dark and makes me cry every single night.... it has been 3 months that i have cried and cried and cried... i feel so incredibly sad....
and i have work to do..... no time to moan... got to get the jobs done...
and i don't know who to talk to.... everyone and everything and every event... i just turned all of them down, even cancelling flights and tickets although i've already paid money, purely for him and his jobs .... and my incredibly stupid house... really feel worried and bad about it all..
my wish today, is to feel a little happier..... and to get some jobs done....
my bigger wish, is for him to love me.... to appreciate me as a woman.... like he did before...
:'( excuse me while i go and cry somemore.... i just feel so terrible rightnow.... and i cant tell anyone.... i want to die but i can't either... have so much work to do.... and working kills my back and and i have no time to even see a doctor... i have no time to service my car even though it might break down... i have no time to take time out to cry, so i always cry while working at home, in the car while driving, when going to bed at night.... and no one knows except my online friends who i promised over and over again that i'll be fine... but now im not fine again..... oh please!~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i feel so terrible~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ make me okay again ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~please~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ T___________T
i still love you
i still love you very much. i wish so badly that we can be together again. i miss you. i miss your touches, kisses, hugs, spoons, even sex. i really miss you. i really want you. i really want you. i really love you. what can i do to make you love me? what can i do to make you care? .................................................... being unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, just waiting in silence, while seeing you overworked and so distant and now being helped by another woman... it really kills me. i can't stop crying, now i can't breathe properly. i am constantly sad. i know i should move on. i should let you go. i should seek my own happiness rather than rely on you. sorry again. but i love you. sorry but i love you, i still do, and probably always will. .... sigh. now i really feel like crying again. but i am severely sleep deprived. so i cant breathe properly. why am i in such terrible pain? when will the sun shine on me again? dear god, i wish this suffering would stop. i want to be loved!! please.... i really don't want to be so miserable ever again.... stop..... stop crying.... stop............. i love him so much.... stop......... so much work to do, have to get back into it....... stop..... i hate this situation so much.......... im so trapped and crazy ................... i was looking for a 'suicidal' emoticon to post on fb to announce how miserable i am.... why am i so self-centered???? why can't i fucking move on, get a grip on myself, and realise that all this self-pitying is really getting me nowhere? typing this here isn't going to get my job done. i've already fucked up buying that shitty house in the first place. now i must do my best to make the most of it. shit. grow up already, you stupid girl.
dear diary i dont have anyone to talk to
ive been crying loudly in the car every time after i leave. it is unbearable. my thoughts just kept revolving around the immense sadness and magnifies it bigger and bigger until im circling around the thought that i'm the saddest person alive and can't stop crying forever. truth is, he hasn't really done anything wrong - well it is subjective - he was only trying to do what's best for himself. i know i need to let him go eventually. i can't be so selfish and hold him back from what he wants to do. so why do i keep wailing about this lost chance, this split milk, like a very spoilt child? i even showed my temper today. and i was rude to his friend, my new friend too. i was trying really hard to be civil. then i lost it. i just left without a single word. it is just so bad. and i cried hard in the car, this is the 2nd time i cried hard, but the number of times i sobbed quietly and pityingly is uncountable. i just cry so easily. i am just so bloody weak, it is downright pathetic. i hate myself for being so weak, i know it's not gonna help anybody, if anything, it's turning people off, especially him... he wouldn't even be in the same room as i am in...
now i have nowhere to 'go down the stage'... i don't know how to face him anymore... i don't know how to talk to her anymore... and i can't tell my friends about this shit situation.... i can't share this story with anyone, this living hell that i am in now, except this secret blog of mine... and what's the use??.... i'm just talking to myself and whirling round and round in more and more sadness ... until i eventually talk myself into suicide????!!what's the ultimate goal of this 'sadness ego' that keeps making me zoom into all the unhappy stuff and make me cry?? it is as if crying is achieving some sort of goal.
sometimes i forget that it is achievable, to be calm and not cry and be brave and strong about it. i forget. i chose to cry and be weak instead. and so stubborn in thinking i am weak and un-help-able.
shit now what do i do... after tonight... i was so immature...
it is so difficult. and now i feel like crying all over again. OMG this is sooo unproductive!! how am i gonna get all that work done?!??!?!?!??!?
feel like giving up and just going to sleep again.
my supposedly best friend. i don't understand why she wants to spend 600 bucks on a bed. just borrow her relative's one for free! i'd do that. or minimum 100 bucks on a second hand something. but it is her choice. and she is hinting for me to give her a lift to a suburb ridiculously far from my place.
it is just really.... well i gotta grow up and beat life in the face when it's punching and kicking me down like this. i gotta fight back otherwise i'll just die a horrible death. at this rate it's getting more and more horrible already.