Entry: i can feel my body shutting down Apr 17, 2014



it is difficult to breathe. i am uber uber tired. i slept at 5am and woke up at 7.45am. two nights ago i slept at 3.45am and woke up at 7.30am. This sort of pattern is not unusual for me, I have been doing it every so often, maybe twice a month, depending on the jobs I am doing for him. I have virtually no life. I don't even spend time having a proper meal. I maintain physical hygiene and that's about it, I don't spend time chatting with people, buying proper food, making proper meals, even driving is a waste of time but I gotta get to work and home. I bought subway last night because I felt I needed the luxury of a wholesome meal in a short span of time. It is crazy. At work, I have tons of mundane, dredgy-work to go through, and people don't realise how much time is needed for all the work. I showed a pretty bad face for having to have lunch at 3pm every day, and I am tired all the time, and the work just keeps piling up.

but Ivan's work is even worse. I think he is gonna explode at me tomorrow. He probably has way too many jobs than he can handle, and I can't keep up with his deadlines. I spent a crazy amount of hours just adjusting site levels with the first project, god knows how long I will need for all the other sites. There is just so much shit to do. I wonder how am I going to face him tomorrow, will my emotions be balanced and good, or will I be in turmoil and weak like always.

the crying. it never fucking stops. It has been so many months now, it is old news already, and every now and then the pain comes to sting me and force me to surround my thoughts in gloom. I will tear very easily and my mood just rains like dark clouds and thunderstorms and nothing is happy or motivating and I lose all interest in life. I become a lifeless zombie, just mechanically doing my work, eating and sleeping little, doing everything without feeling. Just the other day my boss's daughter was reading Harry Potter. I love it to death and yet I couldn't bring myself to be sociable, to light up and share my excitement, to be happy for once.

i am utterly tired and i can't even bring myself to do anything ......... misery just keeps me locked up and imprisoned.... i am in a very very dark place... there seems to be no end to the amount of work....

i wish i can be happy again, to see clear blue skies, sunny weather, hear birds chirping, smile, laugh, play, joke, be funny and lively like i used to. i wish i can live normally again. i miss my old self. i miss my friends. i miss my family. i miss food. i miss sleep. i miss him being nice to me. i miss .... i miss happiness.... come back to me, happiness.... come back to me, positivity.... why everything left me alone in this deep, cold, dark depths of hell.... i shiver every day and night from uncontrollable tiredness and cold... too much work, too little outdoors and healthy breathing and exercise... and what the fuck am i eating, just cereal, muesli, tuna, spinach leaves, apples, .... no proper hot food in ages....

friends. i don't know who to talk to. i used to share my secret feelings and frustrations with a special friend who seemed very kind and willing to listen... now that he has a gf, i should not bother him any more....

i used to chat with my brother, my mom, anyone so easily... now, i think about the immense burden of my heart just clutching at me so heavily, i feel a lump in my throat whenever i think about saying it out loud - and i stop myself and pretend im okay and just end the conversation and say i'm very busy, i'm going back to work. i could not pour my feelings out to anyone, saying .. help me... i am very very heartbroken.... i feel so sad, i feel so much pain.... please help me be okay again.... T_T" who to say that to, and ask for a hug? >< .... i dont wanna trouble anyone or waste anyone's time....

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