Entry: record May 10, 2014



been OT-ing past 10pm every single night this week and last fri stayed back till midnight, fucking tired. very sien with the job. actually cried in office today before people went home but no one saw because i closed the door. also felt sick but miraculously got better after maybe drinking water and talking to boy boy.

last night i was at his house. he said to come past after work, i went, and he didn't ans the door, so i bought a pizza coz im hungry, went to meet him (he's at home after all) and we discussed work. he ate my pizza. The highlight was... he said, he is memang working towards trying to employ me full time, because you and i will make miracles together. that would be awesome. but at the moment, it is not enough, even if he left all the drawing to me, still not enough. he asked me what do i want, i said well i dont have such a big ambition to open my own office or something.. and since he has his dreams, i'm happy to help him fulfill them.. he said, he's been trying to tell me... that whatever he is doin now, i can do as well, coz i am so much more better than him.... wow that's a huge compliment.... i mean, he is obviously smarter, braver, more mature and experienced.... and until now i still love him a lot...

when he asked what do i want? ... the obvious answer is 'for you to love me' but i didn't say it... instead i beat around the bush and mumbled about dont know should i open my own office or not, im happy to work for him, and how about i quit my day job and work for him full time -.- i should have said... if he still has feelings for me, i'd be glad to work even for a meager wage, i can always find other part time work to support myself, i mean, money was never a problem... the reason why i worked so bloody hard and long and no breaks and no sleep.. i just wanted to be in his good books, i just hope that eventually he will make space for me in his life, i just hope for the days that we can finally spend together, to earn that stage of relationship... i know he has many goals to achieve and his life is so full of complications and busy stuff he can't even sit down to have a meal... he's so constantly on the go i can't even breathe properly thinking about it... one minute we're having a conversation the next minute the doorbell rings and he has a visitor and we can't talk anymore...

A told me about this girl he seemed to be having sex with in the garage. well, she came by last night. from the sound of their conversation, they seem pretty close and she memang come and go often. i just had this impression that she's now his gf or fuckbuddy or close female friend, and memang comes by often, and ... i just couldn't stand a minute being there anymore. i packed up and left. he seemed pretty pissed having to answer the door for her... and to teman me to the door.. he seemed to have a bad headache trying to say goodbye to me.. well... okay.. i'll leave you two to it... take care....

it's .... well.... i love him a lot.... it sucks to see another woman there that i somehow know is very much in contact with him...

she gave me the vibe that she also doesnt really want me around, fuck off, he's mine... don't know, i might be wrong....

i would have cried but im so numb and silently angry? i don't know. my feelings are slowly turning cold. i don't know. my body is rotting from all the work without exercise or rest. fed up gua. i dono.

lately ive been chatting happily with a new friend. maybe i have gradually found a new source of happiness. i dunno.

okay. focus. i have to get this job done. deadline!!! sien ._.

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