Entry: sob sob sob Sep 1, 2014



i have about 30 hours of work due in 8 hours time or less. i have so much to cover and so little time. and all i can think of is how uncomfortable my back, stomach, neck, shoulders and hands are and how am i going to face 100+ friends and family back home in 3 day's time and pretend im very good and healthy and happy. i am indeed very far from that. i hardly went out and have a good time this year, i have not played badminton my favourite sport at all, i have not swam, i have not danced. i have not seen my friends since that wedding last sunday, i have not spoken to people, i barely got any exercise. i ate without feeling and consideration. i hate my bloating stomach and sluggish body. my big tummy came back. how am i going to wear a pretty dress. how am i able to smile how am i able to hold myself through the weekend without breaking down or telling anyone the true storey?

that i have been holding out for so long for something that will never work... that i have been waiting for someone who will never return my feelings... that i have been wasting precious time, energy, money, my youth, my happiness, my laughter, my smile, my positivity... all this year.... and some of last...

how could someone provide so much happiness and excitement in me... someone who made me change around so much,... someone who was such a bright source of inspiration... someone who impacted me so much i made him an utmost priority...

is someone who also affected me so negatively... someone who turned my world upside down.... someone who made me cry incessantly day and night without reason... someone who made me so depressed i struggle to smile... someone who constantly provides me a reason to be sad.... someone who is struggling so much with life himself... someone i can't even comprehend why he's so difficult..

why, why am i still here taking this shit?

why, why am i still working in this shitty company with no feelings for employees only thinking we're robots?

why, why am i staying up all night for the sake of this man who makes no effort to give me what i really want, and he knows it?

why am i always crying?

when will i wake up and walk away?

when?

am i waiting for my parents to slap me, and hug me, and ask me to come home and leave this place forever?

am i waiting for him to come back to me, say sorry, and will love me forever? which of the two are more possible?

i need to grow up and make adult decisions.

how am i going to go through tonight, being sleep deprived and nearly insane and having tons of work to complete, is my current problem....

sigh.

i always come here to complain, which is useless because i don't let anyone read it. i don't wanna complain to my best friend who already knows my story. what's the point. she cant help me. her advice fell on my deaf ears. Leave him, and stop working for him. I need to cut off completely. I need to make new friends. I need to stop this crazy lifestyle and work if I want to avoid falling into depression.

i already feel there is no hope, no source of happiness, all there is, is darkness and gloom, forever and ever... black clouds everywhere, rain unstopping, everything dying around me, there is only sadness and grief.... laughter and joy is nonexistent.... there is nothing that i can feel happy about.... nothing to look forward to.... except his return and the impossible hope of him saying 'i love you, thank you' and a hug and a kiss.... i don't know.... he really isn't worth my million billion amount of effort that im doing right now... any fool will see that... and he's in no place to take on another person with the current crazy state he's in... i understand... he's got way larger astronomical problems than i do.... i mean, if it involves tens of thousands of money and losing assets and the police.... i dont think i will be able to survive just the mental part of it... he's holding out strong... even having the mood to skydive... i hope he will sort out his emotions and mental health being back home for a month...

although i miss him, he absolutely needs a break.... already at this age with drugs and cigarettes and alcohol and still pulling all nighters here and there... i knew men around the world all live the hard knock life... but well.... a little break is needed every now and then to continue life.... sigh....

ok my break is over, back to work

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