Entry: why this much pain and drama over 1 person? Oct 31, 2014



i gave him the advice to not feel bad about the whole world, just because of a few people making his life miserable. Why can't I do the same? I am beating myself up and feeling depressed for more than a year now, only for 1 person. He has had it much, much worse. Broke and in debt, friends deserted him, despise him, stealing from him, spreading news about him... oh my god. It's literally everything going wrong. His business that he worked so hard for.. just folded on itself on him, because his partners turned their backs on him. His houses that he worked so hard for... the money he spent buying stuff there... I really don't dare to imagine the level of pain and torture he is going through.... to have no money, no results, no friends, not a single positive thing going here for him, everything just going bad. Why though, why are his so-called friends acting like that?...

maybe i'm too blinded by love to see him for who he actually is... All I know is, he has a kind heart and he really works hard... he does not deserve that much pain... the poor man.... I really really want to be with him, to mend his broken heart and spirit, to help him soar up and achieve high again, to achieve higher and better dreams, to create wealth and enjoy health, to travel, live, love, laugh... how nice if we could be together!

i have absolutely no way of contacting him now. he's deleted his fb and isn't replying to my email, maybe he could not access it.

i don't know... the thought of letting him go,.... all the signs and advice i'm getting is to let go of him.... now that he's gone for at least 5 whole months... i have plenty of time and opportunity to look for someone else and move on... the thought of moving on fills me with tears

i don't want to abandon him!!! i promised i would be there, i will support him!! i want to keep my heart, body and soul, solely for him, untainted by anyone else, all for him...

but of course he isn't going to do the same for me... he never wanted a relationship and never will... so he's the wrong guy if i want to settle down...

but i don't want to settle down! i want to be a 100 year old rocking grandma with tons of energy and climbing mountains at that age! one who lives absolutely fearlessly and happily and strong!

and i want to be able to do all that with him by my side...

i WISH I CAN BE WITH IVAN AND LOVE EACH OTHER FOREVER....................... I WILL BE LOVED AS MUCH AS I LOVE HIM............ AND I WILL BE BLESSED AND LUCKY IN LOVE AS WELL AS ALL OTHER AREAS OF LIFE :) i am loving and grateful, i am kind and beautiful, i am generous and insightful, i am smart and playful, i am sexy and elegant, i am charming and i command presence and attention whenever i speak, because i have an important message to share: I love you and I want you to live well...

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